So, I am sitting on the plane alone and wondering where this will take me. I never thought I’d be where I am now. My son is three and his family is slowly falling apart. Everyday seems like this struggle for sanity; just to control my emotions and remain even keel. I see her and still have those physical urges but I’ve lost respect and love. Twenty years on the same road and all of a sudden it just ends, and with no warning and I’m driving through a forest, unable to see what lies ahead.
Do I keep trying, do I walk away, or something in between? My nails are bloodied from clawing my way up this wall. Every time I think I’ve reached the top and can just peak over the edge a foot comes down on my fingers and sends me falling back down. How many times can I climb this wall before I’m too battered to make it back up?
I am flawed; I have made my own obstacles. I wish I could turn back time but I cannot. I can only be who I am now, apologies are worthless. I’m tired of feeling guilty for failing, there have been far more successes of late, to be beaten over the head with the past. I was there without question, even after being dragged across broken glass for a year. My insides were shredded but I just kept going and never wavered, never broke. Who else would give that? And to be thrown away as soon as I wasn’t needed, as soon as the hard times eased, what does that say?
My grip is slowly getting looser and my heart is fading. He is all that matters now, he drives me like nothing ever has. My eyes well up just thinking of him and how much I love him. I can’t conceive of not being there for every second possible. Missing those little moments is inconceivable to me. Every “goodnight” and every “I love you” is so precious to me that I have no way to put it into words. It’s not only the good times I need, it’s helping him traverse the bad times that is what really matters in the long run.
Laying out a road for his journey, paving it as smoothly as I can, all the while knowing he will have his share of potholes and breakdowns. Giving him the tools to make it on his own, is more than my duty, it’s my passion. Allowing him to see the imperfect by not hiding failures, showing him that you can get up from falling and that you can keep on going even after the worst of times. Maybe I’m too protective, but I’d rather err on the side of caution. I want him to be better than me, stronger than me, and more self aware than I ever could be.
I allowed pain to drive me for years. Hurt and anger consumed me and I had no proper release. It just boiled inside me and I allowed it to define me and destroy me. I failed myself and you and by extension our whole family. My past will never go away, it will be my anchor forever. I will drag it with me for the rest of my days. When he asks me why things are how they I are, I will have to tell him I failed. I broke his family long before he was born, I am the reason he has to hear the yelling and see the crying. I won’t lie to him or hide it from him. I’ll take the blame I deserve and accept whatever consequences that continues to bring. I just cannot hide from my history. I just want to go forward, even if that means alone then I have no choice but to do so. It’s certainly not what I want but it’s all I can do.
) into the journal at the top. While there another gentleman, who my counterpart had already met earlier joined us. We sat and talked, first about hiking and then about life in general. This was an experience that completely moved me, in a way I wouldn’t have dreamed.
