I ran into the mother of a friend I had from the time I was 5 until this year. She was like a 2nd mother to me and it was great to see her. It’s not as if I had a falling out with this friend, I just had to let him go. We generally only talk here and there in the past few years, but when my father-in-law passed there wasn’t a message, a card or anything. This is a person my wife and I had live, for free, in our house when he needed help. Yet, not even a text or FB message with condolences.

On the other hand there are people I have known for a short time who have been there in ways a cannot even explain. People who have made me feel whole again and brought me laughs and smiles. I generally do not lament the end of friendships, it happens, life changes and new people come and go. Some, however, just spark something in you and fit like a glove.

Essentially, I’ve learned to appreciate those that are there for me in whatever capacity they can be and not sweat the ones whose lives no longer converge with mine. I do not believe friendship is necessarily fleeting but it is not permanent without some attention being paid to it.

After being there awhile, and just reflecting on where I am at in life as well as enjoying the peace, I was rudely interrupted by a herd of cacklers.  I could hear the screeching voices echoing through the canyon from a half a mile away.  Basically, these five inconsiderate fools ruined everyone’s tranquility because they did not understand how to shut the fuck up.  I decided to leave and as I was heading out a couple I came across had the exact feelings I did about the cackling masses.  All in all it was a great 2 – 3 hours of enjoying the outdoors and reflecting on life.

Two days later I awoke and decided to tackle Turtle Head Peak  which was quite difficult for me.  I am a complete novice and live in a flat area, so this was a challenge.  The trail (if you can call it that) is about a five-mile round trip and climbs over 2000 feet.  The first mile of the trail isn’t bad.  There are some steep climbs and loose gravel but it is very manageable.  After that however, the trail splinters into 20 different directions at times, and disappears completely at others.  There are steep climbs over loose rock and the trail becomes very steep.  I was very close to turning around a few times.

I pushed myself to continue and made it around the backside of the peak, where I met up with a fellow solo hiker from the Netherlands.  We were able to push each other to make it to the peak.  We would move up 75 five feet or so at a shot and then break for a few minutes.  This last little bit took about twenty minutes.  As I came up the ridge nearing the peak I could begin to see the entire Las Vegas valley below me.  At that moment I had this warmth run over me, it was almost spiritual (but not really).  Pushed on the last little bit to the top and it was a spectacular sight, to be sure.  The I could see as far as Lake Mead, more than 40 miles away.  I was awed.  We took in the view and logged our names (and a few very special thoughts  ) into the journal at the top.  While there another gentleman, who my counterpart had already met earlier joined us.  We sat and talked, first about hiking and then about life in general.  This was an experience that completely moved me, in a way I wouldn’t have dreamed.

After about 45 minutes on the peak, resting up, eating and enjoying the company, I headed down with the man from the Netherlands.  Going down was much faster and we only took one or two breaks at most.  The terrain was still treacherous but the adrenaline was still flowing.  Every so often, I would look back up at the peak and was just filled with a sense of completion.  Once we reached the parking area we just shook hands and I thanked him for helping me get there.  After that we went our separate ways never to cross paths again.

The whole experience inspired me to look into more hiking trips, locally and in other areas of the country.  My preference is the desert areas; there is just something that draws me to the desert.  I’m going to do a second post with photos of the hike, I’m on a plane and the WiFi isnt the best for large uploads.

Do I keep trying, do I walk away, or something in between?  My nails are bloodied from clawing my way up this wall.  Every time I think I’ve reached the top and can just peak over the edge a foot comes down on my fingers and sends me falling back down.  How many times can I climb this wall before I’m too battered to make it back up?

I am flawed; I have made my own obstacles.  I wish I could turn back time but I cannot. I can only be who I am now, apologies are worthless.  I’m tired of feeling guilty for failing, there have been far more successes of late, to be beaten over the head with the past.  I was there without question, even after being dragged across broken glass for a year.  My insides were shredded but I just kept going and never wavered, never broke.  Who else would give that?  And to be thrown away as soon as I wasn’t needed, as soon as the hard times eased, what does that say?

My grip is slowly getting looser and my heart is fading.  He is all that matters now, he drives me like nothing ever has.  My eyes well up just thinking of him and how much I love him.  I can’t conceive of not being there for every second possible.  Missing those little moments is inconceivable to me.  Every “goodnight” and every “I love you” is so precious to me that I have no way to put it into words.  It’s not only the good times I need, it’s helping him traverse the bad times that is what really matters in the long run.

Laying out a road for his journey, paving it as smoothly as I can, all the while knowing he will have his share of potholes and breakdowns.  Giving him the tools to make it on his own, is more than my duty, it’s my passion.  Allowing him to see the imperfect by not hiding failures, showing him that you can get up from falling and that you can keep on going even after the worst of times.  Maybe I’m too protective, but I’d rather err on the side of caution.  I want him to be better than me, stronger than me, and more self aware than I ever could be.

I allowed pain to drive me for years.  Hurt and anger consumed me and I had no proper release.  It just boiled inside me and I allowed it to define me and destroy me.  I failed myself and you and by extension our whole family.  My past will never go away, it will be my anchor forever.  I will drag it with me for the rest of my days.  When he asks me why things are how they I are, I will have to tell him I failed.  I broke his family long before he was born, I am the reason he has to hear the yelling and see the crying.  I won’t lie to him or hide it from him.  I’ll take the blame I deserve and accept whatever consequences that continues to bring.   I just cannot hide from my history.  I just want to go forward, even if that means alone then I have no choice but to do so.  It’s certainly not what I want but it’s all I can do.